From Sim to Self: A Value Compass Journey

Apparently since I was a baby I didn’t like to be alone. My mom has said that if she held me I would sleep great, but when she put me down, I would immediately wake up. Even into elementary school, I would ask my mom to lay with me until I fell asleep. 

My niece Quinn is the same way. Sometimes we call her my twin. She loves people, has gigantic eyes, and likes to be held all of the time. In my experience around her, she does seem very similar to what I have been told about me as a baby. Not wanting to be alone. 

As I am writing this post, I can’t help but feel the emptiness of the house. My husband and I have a week on-week off routine with the girls and their moms. Generally, this would be a week on with them. However, Jared was called to put out a “fire” at work, and flew to Ohio last night.

Well, actually, we went to Ohio, but flew to Kentucky. Did you know that the Cincinnati airport is actually in Kentucky? Odd. We joke a lot the DIA is in Kansas, but… it’s really very much not. Cincinnati’s airport is literally in Kentucky… 

Anyway, Jared is gone, the girls are gone, my mom was going to come stay with me, but she got Covid, and for obvious reasons she is resting and taking good care of herself. Even Charlie, the cat, who is usually my shadow (read here) is upstairs laying in someone’s bed. 

I feel very much alone, and in the past (apparently all the way back to when I was very young) this would normally make me feel lonely. During the Covid shut down, when we weren’t allowed to leave the house, more or less, I did feel lonely. People were my self-care, and they were stolen from me. 

Somehow, right now, I don’t feel lonely. I never thought I needed alone time, because I was so extraverted that people gave me all the energy and relaxation I needed. I do still like being with people, but it seems almost different now. 

A lot of the time in public I don’t feel very connected to people. 

Not that anyone is explicitly mean or unkind to me, but I don’t feel welcomed. It is almost as though I can read the sad eyes from a block away. I’m not sure if I feel more awkward, of if they do, but interactions do not feel as comfortable as they used to.

Many of the activities that my friends and I enjoyed doing, now feel exhausting to me. So I usually don’t attend, or I try to, but don’t stay long. 

As I am laying here, with compression garments on basically my whole body to hope for some relief from POTS symptoms I have been having, also desperately waiting for neurology and cardiology to call and schedule me to discuss this with me, I am finding peace in the quiet. 

This moment also leaves me with something I have had on my mind lately. The general idea of values, and self care. Self care is often floated around as an excuse to do whatever we want because, “it’s self-care.” Similar to the idea of there is another stomach for dessert, and vacation calories don’t count. 

Although the “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” concept sounds nice, I’m not sure that’s how it works. I’m also not fully sold that it’s not. I think having (safe) moments to let yourself go wild and free can be self care, and even important! The only thing is, there might still be consequences that do count if you don’t pay a little attention. 

Values are interesting as well.I have done a lot in supporting my clients with exploring their values. I even have a favorite values sort (you can find it here) that we use in session. Adolescents and adults alike seem to find benefit from and enjoy this activity. 

Yet, for some reason, I haven’t really done this for myself. I have always wondered if our values change over time, and if certain values have become more important during different events in our life. 

There are certain events in my life that have caused a measured change in my focus. Although I cannot indefinitely connect the two, it is hard for me to argue that they are not connected in some way. 

When I started dating Jared, and met his children, I felt a definite shift in my focus. In the past, I may not have taken dating as seriously as I did with him. Part of that is likely because I had feelings with him I had never experienced before, and I think the existence of children was another major factor. 

This leads me to believe that our values can change. Whether it be due to our life circumstances, voices around us, or just the act of growing up, I’m not sold that our values are what they are when we are born. Like we are a Sim that someone got to decide everything about us and our personality from day one.

In addition to the addition of children into my life changing my focus, and likely therefore my values, chronic illness has done the same. 

Things I used to care about, I simply do not now. As a therapist, my training encourages me to take a look at depression when I hear clients say similar things.

However, what I have learned, both in my personal and professional journeys, is that the change in interests is vastly different than the removal of any interests. It is not that I am disinterested in EVERYTHING (which would suggest more depressive symptoms), it’s simply that my interest, and therefore my behavior, has changed. 

I’m interested in exploring this phenomenon. How either energy levels, activity availability, new responsibilities, or quite literally in my case, brain changes can lead to a shift in values and how in turn may affect self-care. 

There are probably a million ways to do this… I know I have had a lot swirling in my mind for a few weeks now. I have a starting point, finally, after talking with my friend Gemini. (side note – Maddy used to think it was funny I called Gemini my friend. She said it was because I am a Gemini. Since I showed her that Gemini can play games with her, like Mad Libs, or choose your own adventure stories, she’s more of a fan.) 

I’m starting a journey. I am going to name it “Value Compass” and it will happen weekly. I have created an extensive list of over values, including a starting point for self-care activities that might help enrich that value. Every week, I will ask Gemini to randomly give me two. 

Why two? That’s where you come in! I will post and ask between these two, which you think I should focus on for the week. I will post on Thursday, and start the week on Sunday. Based on what my readers / friends / family pick, that is the journey I will embark on. 

I will share my (at least one) self-care activity, how it went, and what I learned. My hope is to compare my “before MS” and “after MS” reflections about what I thought this value meant to me, and if and how it may have changed. 

Also, I am learning that the “old” way of doing things sometimes doesn’t work for me. For instance, warm showers, that I used to enjoy, are no longer pleasant for me. My hope in sharing what I’ve found that works is that it might help others with chronic illness try something new, and encourage anyone to consider if their ‘old’ way of doing something is still serving them.

Week one values options are Openness and Gratitude. Be sure to vote by commenting to this post (either here or on the social media that sent you here) or text me to make your pick! If you want to watch the votes, head to the Values Compass page! Voting ends at midnight on Saturday, August 23, so don’t delay!