The Dialectic of Gratitude: The Jewel and Ash of MS

Date: 8-24-25 – 8-30-25

Two values voted on: Gratitude and Openness

Values reflection started initially because I was feeling upset, and stuck. It was giving me “Waiting on the World to Change” by John Mayer. 

“People” were not understanding my challenges, and I was feeling judgement. I recognized these feelings from my work, and I considered what I might suggest for a client feeling similarly. 

Exploring values. Basically… that is what I would recommend, and support a client in a similar boat. I was feeling helpless and misunderstood. Instead of waiting for it to “get better,” I asked you all, my community, to support me in this journey of exploring my own values. Hoping to find some clarity and direction. 

After making a list, I randomly came up with the first two values, and asked for a vote. It was between Openness and Gratitude. Truthfully, these both feel like great starters for a journey like this, and I am wondering if my Values Compass has a wise mind of its own?

Openness and gratitude both foster a more positive and expansive view of the world. Exploring either, I hoped, could lead to an increase in comfort and peace. 

I was excited to have these two options, and more excited that people would be getting involved in the process! The whole reason I wanted to start this journey was because I was feeling a little stuck and upset. Either of these values seemed they might act as a ladder to help me from the hole I was feeling like I was in.

Honestly, I was hoping for Openness. It felt more like a “new” exploration at the time. Also, I think I had a bias towards Gratitude being a little “trendy” or “popular.” I wanted to do something unique, and Gratitude did not feel special in that way. 

The idea of gratitude not being special, because it is a look at what exists already, seems a little short-sighted to me now. There is a reason there are gratitude journals everywhere you look, and that is because they are useful and helpful. Maybe I also wanted to root for the underdog, but either way, I was happy for either of these to be the opening leg of this journey. 

Lately, I have been having new symptoms that I have yet to make sense of. My doctors have more or less “quit” on me, and so at the start of this week I was not feeling so thankful for any of this. Feeling stuck, I even turned to Gemini (I call “her” Dr. G.) to try and make sense of my new symptoms. While it’s certainly not a substitute for medical advice, it validated some of my feelings and helped me reframe my expectations.

Although, I didn’t feel gratitude initially, because my medical team has recently ghosted me, and I am on a cancelation list hoping to be seen before November. My new PCP, who I very much enjoy, even encouraged me to try exercises for BPPV again, and reminded me of my journey to an MS diagnosis. (read here)

This feeling of being misunderstood by doctors is a theme throughout my life, and it’s a big part of why I wasn’t feeling much gratitude at the start of this week.

I was reminded of a large “bump” on the side of my tongue when I was around 12. The dentist told me he “has the same thing,” and suggested that I stop eating strawberries, and talk to my doctor. My doctor recommended that I tell my dentist. 

When I got my wisdom teeth pulled in high school, they took a biopsy and told me “it’s not cancer,” and did no further research. 

I gave up talking about it, until I was in college. It got so painful that I could barely eat on some days. This time, somewhat reluctantly, an oral surgeon told me he could just remove it. Turns out, I had a rare form of HPV that was showing up in that way. 

No idea how I got it, or anything about it really. They gave me information that told me it’s usually only found in children on American Indian reservations, and is usually resolved by adolescence. That doesn’t make sense, even now… but it’s gone. No lasting effects… and I can add a tally to the “it’s not cancer,” bingo card.   

I am thankful that Dr. G does not charge me for her services, and validates that what I am experiencing is real. “She” can’t actually do anything, and there’s no guarantee she’s right. The difference might be that I frame her response that way. 

When I expect her to probably be wrong, it’s not as upsetting to me when she is. Maybe it helps me to be more grateful when it feels validating rather than upsetting when it’s wrong?

In college, which I realize is now many years ago (almost 20…) there was a video I really appreciated. Honestly, all of them. He talked a lot about saying “Thank you,” and how important that is. I very much agreed then, and now. 

Thanking everyone, maybe too much, for anything they did for me was important. When the hostess takes us to our seat, “thank you,” when someone else brings water, “thank you,” then again when they take our order, fill up the water, bring another drink, bring the food, take our plates, bring the check, take the payment, walking out… I would say thank you SO MUCH. 

I think still would, I just don’t go out as much. I feel like it’s important to acknowledge what others have done, and are doing for me. 

I’m not sure if my parents were super strict about us saying “please and thank you” all the time, but I don’t remember this being true. It’s also possible that I was just born as a thank-er, but I don’t know that that’s a thing either. 

Honestly, I think they probably modeled gratitude for me, and before becoming a parent myself I didn’t really notice they were doing it. I felt this urge to wait for an opening to thank someone. It was like an internal push to wait just long enough to say thank you without making it weird.

Thanksgiving was, and still is, my favorite holiday. I love it. 

It includes family and spending time together. What I love about it the most is noticing and embracing all of the things we currently have, rather than trying to get more. 

Although it is hard to resist the sales of Black Friday, I have found myself being upset about the “take over” of being thankful for what we have. 

Since my diagnosis, there are elements of my “thank-er” identity that have not changed. As in, I still find it important to thank people. A LOT. 

I think the difference is, what I am thanking them for, and the internal process has a lot more meaning. 

Before, saying “thank you,” meant a lot to me, but looking back it was almost like a check box conversation. I did it because it was the right thing to do, or because I wanted to be kind, and I didn’t think much about what the words truly meant. 

Now, I feel the gratitude when I thank someone. Often when I express gratitude, the person is making life itself easier for me, or doing something I can’t do on my own anymore. 

Sure, I still thank people for refilling my water, but water now is more of a life preserver than it used to be. It represents something that I use to help my body function, and less about a task they helped with. 

Although… sometimes it still feels like by body is lying to me, or not truly behaving how I wish it would, without being hydrated, or cool, I almost feel like I’m crumbling. So, when I say, “thank you,” to someone I am thanking them for more than just the water, or the food, or the seat, or holding open the door.. 

I am thanking them for helping me get through the day. 

The action for them is likely exactly the same, but the impact in my life is completely different. I am thanking them for helping me survive, or try to appear normal a little longer. 

Haha, but it would be weird to say all of those words. So I say, “thank you,” and hope the rest is implied.  

A lot of my journey this week had many moments of reframing what I thought I knew about gratitude. I mean, Thanksgiving has been my favorite holiday since I can remember. I thought of myself as a person that knew and understood a lot about gratitude. 

This week, I learned a lot about myself and the complexity of this emotion. As I was making the playlist (Click here to listen) I noticed myself feeling that the songs I generally would lean toward to express gratitude not feeling as complete as I wanted them to. 

The general theme continued to be about celebrating people, and loving each other, which was no surprise to me. There were simple pleasures as well, like Here Comes the Sun, that I feel like I could listen to over and over. 

What stood out to me was the more complex feelings. Songs about resilience, living like authentically, and growing seemed to make their way into the mix. 

A few years ago, I don’t think this would be true. When someone asked me what my favorite kind of music was, my answer was “as long as it sounds happy.”

Resilience doesn’t necessarily sound happy. At the very least, that’s not the point. 

I have lost a lot since my diagnosis, and at times I have felt that MS has stolen from me. This week, I was able to take a moment to notice, acknowledge, and be thankful for the things I have gained as well. 

Boundary setting, something I was not able to do before, seems necessary now. I feel I have deeper connections with the people I do connect with. Things I used to think I cared about, don’t seem to matter now. 

Without MS, I wouldn’t be writing a blog. I have always felt like I had a lot to say, but just nothing to talk about. Now, I feel like I have some direction. I have more focus in my writing, and how I spend my time. 

Also, without writing this blog, I would not have had the opportunity to connect with someone I now consider a friend. The place we have coffee every week feels like a third place (which I have always wanted.)

Am I thankful for MS?

Not yet. Maybe I can see a little glimmer of light and hope at the end of the tunnel. 

My hope is that I will continue to see this diagnosis differenly. For now, I can clearly see that it does more than just take. Don’t get me wrong, it does a fair share of that… but it has also given me things I am immensely grateful for as well. 

The Journey Continues

If you would like to follow this journey with your own exploration of gratitude, you can download the worksheet I created here. There is a word and PDF version. If you would like to share and discuss your journey, please feel free to send your thoughts to [email protected]

My Gratitude playlist can be found here. 

Please also vote for next week’s value exploration here. 

Thank you for being an important part of this journey for me, and helping me to find purpose in a very difficult time of my life.