“Try Harder” 2.0: The Visible Failure of Invisible Struggles

You know, I was thinking about something. As a society we judge others a lot. When someone does not look or act the way we assume is the “correct” way to be, we judge them. 

“Try harder,” or “do better,” seem to be the message we want to send to those people. 

My husband was out of town for a few days for work. I realised many things while he was gone. The biggest reminder was all the things he does to help me. Purely existing when he is not there is more challenging than I realized. 

I was slightly surprised by this, because even with him being here it never seems to feel that we can be on top of everything. 

“Adulting is hard!” 

I don’t remember the full context now, but my cousin reflected this at a Christmas gathering years ago. Before we all started having kids, and found that parenting is even harder. Yet, also absolutely rewarding. 

As humans, truthfully at almost any age, we have so many expectations and tasks that we are trying to complete. It’s exhausting, honestly. 

My husband turned to me as we were getting ready for work, he would head to the basement, and I would stay in the area of the bedroom that I have turned into my office of sorts. “Mom said when we get a chance, to bring in the trashcans,” he said with a smile. 

But, I did that! Yesterday. I remember, I was so tired that I had to force myself awake at 10:55 am for an 11:00 meeting. When I say “tired,” that does not give it justice. “Exausted” does not even give it justice. I do not know of a word in the English language that can properly give this feeling justice. 

I knew I needed to get up, and get dressed, and appear professional for my meeting with my supervisor. Also, it was almost 11am! I haven’t felt like that was early in… well, maybe ever. What was wrong with me?!

This was when I started to realize that my husband being home makes existing easier for me. 

Someone from the HOA had taken a picture of our trash cans still being out after the “allowed” time. I’m not sure what the allowed time is, but they were right. I didn’t put them in the garage until I was on my way to work the day after trash day. There was a picture!

To be fair, only two of the three trashcans in the picture were ours. The neighbors, who we affectionately call the Skates family, also had theirs still out. 

We get judgment for the things we do, or do not do. All the time. And we often judge others as well. 

His mom was not upset with us, she was annoyed with the person that was sending the pictures and complaining. I sarcastically told Jared if someone has time to be going around taking pictures, maybe they would like to come help me! 

I decided not to bathe that day, and tried to wipe my smell off with a wipe because I was so tired, and getting the trashcans a few hours earlier was definitely not on my radar. 

We’ve all heard the saying, “everyone is fighting a battle you are unaware of.” But I wonder, how many of us truly consider that when we see something that stands out as unacceptable?

This is the second time in two months the HOA principal was not pleased with us. In July we had weeds as tall as Maddy in the front yard. 

That might be exaggerating a little… but truly only a little. They were really tall.

For the record, I am not suggesting that these things should just be ignored. Instead, I am asking for empathy or understanding. From a neighbor or HOA, I am not sure what that would look like exactly, but I picture and a notice does not feel so good. 

It reminded me of the constant “would you rather?” game chronic illness forces me to play. (read the post here)

Would you rather shower, or get the trashcans inside? Go to your supervision meeting, or have breakfast? Get the kids to school, or brush your hair?

The real struggle is, when I am home alone, I feel that it’s not even a choice. I actually get none of them done. 

Sending pictures of trashcans and weeds is not personal, but maybe it should be? The person that took these pictures was outside my home, twice in two months, and literally saw the evidence of my family struggling. Instead of offering help, or seeing these as signs of distress, they took pictures and implied “do better.”

In my post about my struggles with my weight I discussed how “try harder,” is not a solution. (read here) This is another example of that. I am trying, very hard. Literally so hard that I had to grab onto the walls to ensure I didn’t fall when waking up at the early time of 11am on a Thursday. 

I know the evidence shows that I am failing, but I promise you, I am putting everything I have into that failing report card. 

I’ve been thinking about making a t-shirt that says “I worked really hard to still end up being this late.” I’m not sure anyone would wear it, but it’s true. 

Invisible illness implies others don’t see the symptoms. Which is true. I walk with a cane, and people can see that, but they can’t see that one of my legs is numb up to my knee, or I have a stabbing pain in one of my arms… or the headache I had continuously for 6 months that doctors told me didn’t make sense. 

The other part of invisible illness that others can’t see is the effort. How much effort I am putting in, and how much energy is expended, just to try to be “normal,” or fit into the requirements of society. Or… in this case the HOA that has doubled their prices in the last 5 years. 

It’s crazy to think that we pay them $500 to have photographic evidence of my failures. 

This house doesn’t even fit my needs. Stairs are hard, and it’s a townhouse… which has SO MANY stairs. We can’t afford to move. Interest rates are insanely high, and we are paying $500 a month for our HOA…. so saving is not as easy as it sounds. 

AND! That does not take into account all of the medical costs we have. We are so lucky that Jared has good medical insurance, because we are an expensive family. 

You know how in the show Cheers, everyone shouts “Norm!” when he walks in? For us, the Safeway pharmacy on 144th is the place where everyone knows our name. They see us coming, and I don’t walk fast, and often have our meds at the counter when we get there. 

I didn’t get the trashcans back inside quick enough. That’s true. We were not weeding in 100 degree weather, also true. The laundry is all over the house, there are dirty dishes in the sink, and yesterday I didn’t eat until 8pm. 

These things are not happening because we don’t know, or because we don’t care. 

Jelly Roll’s song I am not okay discusses this feeling. 

---

Values Compass

Values poll for week two will close at 8am on August 31, 2025.

Read the post about the creation of the values compass here, or to see previous values polls head here.

Voting for the current week can be found on the Values Compass page. You will only be able to vote one time each week. Voting will open at 8am on Monday, and close 8am on the following Sunday. Thank you for your time and assistance with determining which value I will be exploring each week.

I will be adding a worksheet as well as reflections of the previous week’s values exploration. The worksheet will be on the Values Compass page on the following Monday on the Values Compass page. I will also have a personal reflection of my journey on that Thursday you can find on the Recent Posts or Values Compass Page.