What does it mean to be lonely? Who is lonely?
After dropping off my youngest on her last day of elementary school, a song came on [Dan by Noah Kahan] that made me think. The lyrics stood out to me, as many of his songs do, and not just because I really enjoy his voice. It was kinda sad, but in a very truthful way.
If the movie Inside Out taught us anything, it is that we need sadness. This is a fairly new concept for me. I know what you’re thinking… “Jade, you’re a therapist, aren’t you supposed to be good with feelings.” Short answer, yeah, of course. I am good with other people’s feelings. I’ve spent most of my life avoiding my own sadness. Trying to find the silver lining, or the bright side of a tragedy.
Sometimes, this is important, don’t get me wrong. There are other times, I’m learning, denying sadness does not make it disappear. I would argue, denying it can make it even bigger. I’m reminded of the scene in the movie where Sadness is walking, running her hand along the memory wall, making some of the previously happy memories blue. She did this because Joy was trying to get rid of her, and didn’t want her to be part of the group.
There is not a loneliness character in the movie, but that does sound like a lonely moment for Sadness. So, I started thinking. What makes us lonely? Can we be lonely in a crowded room? When have I been the most lonely in my life?
The answer surprised me. It was not always when I was alone, or because I didn’t have many friends. I have had those moments in life, sure. Right now (at least on paper) might actually be one of those times. Come to think of it, I may have less friends right now than I have ever in my life. And, the friends I do have are adults with important things to do, so we don’t always get to spend a lot of time together.
At the same time, I do not feel lonely. In the past, I tried to put on a happy face, and appear like things were good, even if they weren’t. This had a tendency to make me feel lonely, even when I was around people. Or, feel like I needed to be around a lot of people to feel less lonely.
In college, I had a ton of friends. I was everyone’s friend. Often, I would change my behavior to be what the people around me wanted (or what I thought they wanted) so they had a reason to keep me around.
My love of people hasn’t changed, but the level or types of friendships have. Truthfully, my expectations of my friends have changed.
I am reminded of a few different videos I watched on social media recently. Unsurprisingly, many of these videos are made by therapists, or people with similar professions. I have to remind myself that not everyone’s social media is filled with therapy one-liners like mine is.
In one video boundaries are defined in a beautiful way. “Boundaries are not about making the other person comply. They are about what you will do if they don’t.” I love that, and I might be stealing it to use at work some day.
It’s true though. We can’t make ANYONE do ANYTHING. Read it again.
Boundaries are about how we will change our own behavior if someone is doing something we don’t like. Sharing our boundaries with the other person is often an effort to give them warning of this behavior change, and allow them to make a different choice. Yet, if they choose not to treat us differently, despite our “warning” it is up to us to change. Not them.
So, does having less friends make us more lonely? If we had more friends, would we be less lonely? Nah Bruh. [I’m channeling my inner teenager… sorry about that.]
Following through with the behavior changes we need to keep our boundaries intact is what helps us to feel less lonely. This is not an easy task, trust me.
My college roommates left me in Utah once on the way home from Vegas. My roommate was driving, and my car blew a rod. Everyone I was with got in the other car, and left me there. I was upset, but I didn’t actually change my expectations or behavior. Luckily, I was bailed out by my family. Some of whom I barely knew at the time.
I remember being embarrassed, and feeling that I did something wrong to have friends that would abandon me like that. But, I didn’t think about what I could do to change it, I just hoped I wasn’t being judged by the tow truck / mechanic guy as my friends drove away. Most of them didn’t check on me, or let me know they hoped I was okay while I was stuck there. The one that did text me wanted to make sure I brought her pillow back.
Now, the people I call friends would not do that. You know why? I WOULDN’T LET THEM. Well, and I probably wouldn’t decide to drive to Vegas on a whim because someone suggested it, and I didn’t want to say no… I had the biggest car, so “we could all fit.”
Nope. My friends now, although there are less of them, are not strictly focused on how my friendship makes their life better. Although, I do hope it does. Their friendship definitely makes my life better.
Those few days in Utah I had my lonely Sadness moment. I’m thankful I can see it more clearly now. I have choices to make. If I am upset by something, it is my responsibility to let someone know about it, or at the very least protect my energy.
Although this was true before, MS and POTS literally don’t give me the option to try to please everyone else. My body literally shuts down when it is out of energy. “Protect your peace” has become a mantra and a survival technique more than something that would be nice to have.
My feelings were hurt when I was left in Utah, but I have chosen to believe my friends were not bad people. Maybe our priorities were just misaligned. Right or wrong, I want to imagine that my they did care about me, but they cared about themselves more.
My mind goes straight to DBT (Dialectical behavioral therapy) and the skill of “walking the middle path.” If on one side we have selfishness, and worrying about our own needs above all else, and on the other side we have taking care of others. Walking the middle path suggests taking the “good” in both of these concepts, and finding some middle ground.
If we always focus on our own needs, we may not cultivate relationships that can support us when we are down or in trouble. At the same time, if all we do is take care of others, we are bound to be left exhausted and lonely a lot of the time.
Walking the middle path allows us to advocate for our own needs, while also finding times that we can spend our energy caring for others.
So far, this has been a learning curve for me, but I think I am improving. I am realizing that ensuring others around me are comfortable does not serve me anymore, but this is not to say it’s second nature to me yet.
I have been making a conscious effort to spend less time around people that make me feel I need to take care of their needs, and have low expectations of reciprocal behavior. Also, I have been recognizing the importance of advocating for my boundaries, and considering how I need to change in situations that do not fit my needs.
Whether it is needing to cancel coffee plans with a friend because my body has other plans, quitting my job because it was not meeting my needs, or telling the car dealership manager that he will have to wait for a time that works for me to “run down there.” That last one is still making me roll my eyes.
Some of these changes mean that I have to miss out on things I thought I liked, or others need to adjust to my needs rather than me bending over to accommodate them. I have been prioritizing what I need. This leaves me with more peace, and that is something I think we can all appreciate when we find it.
